Wall one goes down

We got a very short, to the point e-mail from our agency yesterday.  To shorten it further, "We can proceed."  And there was much rejoicing!  My last conversation with the agency on this issue was something like, "They've never approved this before, but we can try."  And God clears a path! 

My first thought was to post this news immediately, but I didn't.  I've been trying to figure out why I'm not shouting it from the mountain tops.  I've debated (and still am) whether to share this, because this posting my very personal thoughts is putting my heart out there for all to see.  I said I would do that from the beginning of this blog, but it's proving harder than I suspected.  You see, I prayed every day many times that God would cause the answer from China to be "not a problem."  He has done exactly what I asked in this situation.  Now I find myself thinking how many of these big and small miracles God's going to have to do to make this adoption come to fruition.  I must admit to fearing that.  Yesterday, even as I was thanking God for doing this for us, I was questioning why He would keep it up?  Why would God keep working like this for me?  I know me.  So does He.  Is He absolutely sure I'm up to this?

I learned a long time ago that God is big enough for my questions.  So I've been asking them.  What He put on my heart is the story of the man in Mark 9 who brought his son to Jesus.  The boy had been demon possessed for years.  The disciples had not been able to rid the boy of the demon.  Jesus response was, "O unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you?  How long shall I put up with you?  Bring the boy to me."  The father did that and said to Jesus, "If you can do anything..."  I think Jesus was a little offended, "If you can?  Everything is possible for him who believes." The boy's father answers, "I do believe.  Help me overcome my unbelief."

Matt & I have discussed this passage many times.  I love how the father believes, but knows part of him doesn't.  This is the conflict I'm feeling.  God just showed me yet again that He CAN and WILL provide.  I honestly have no doubts that God can do whatever God wants to do.  I struggle with letting go, realizing I'm not in control at all, and believing that God wants to and will keep working His miraculous ways in my family. 

In this whole process, I know God is going to grow me.  This adoption process is a very slow and He knows two of my biggest struggles are impatience and wanting to be in control.  My poor husband.  These are not his struggles, but He's going to have to watch the painful process of my ups and downs.  Jesus' answer to why the disciples couldn't drive out the demon?  "This kind can come out only by prayer."  So as I make that phone call to set up the home study process, my prayer is simply: I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief. 

Thank you for all the prayers.  God is answering!
~Martha